BEAUTY OF ME; IN THE EYES OF MY FATHER
June 5, 2009
A Poem by Shelyn Aikens – New Castle, PA, USA
I appreciate the beauty of the process that Dad has brought me through. He has led me step by step. As the Hope in me that I have never seen, I was looking for a father all of my life. I was very angry and sad because I did not know who I was. I was feeling unformed and without an identity for about as far back as I can remember; however I know now that You were always my Father. You were always there in the times when I succeeded and in the times when I failed, but it was only then, at the times of my failures that I expected a tangible FATHER.
Every time I was able to go on and not quit or forfeit by suicide, I realize it was because of YOU. Every time I cried on the outside of me, but on the inside I could speak with clarity, words I could never say outward was within me, but it was YOU. When I had no siblings around and no friends that were true you listened with intent and I never knew. As a child I wanted to be a princess, and the bell of the ball just like the books I read which were not real at all … I tried to make my imaginary friends appear only they were in my head and also not real…
So I became introverted with outward flare. I laughed and I played. I was the life of the party, but inside, only deep depression, fear, anxiety and despair. Moreover, for some strange reason I kept on going even when I thought, “Ok this is it I’m sure to die and leave this hell on earth,” but I didn’t. I kept going and I thought why won’t anybody kill me and take me out of this misery. In my head there was always a show, that was exciting and a beautiful place to go.
When I could go to the places in my head at night as dreams and visions while I slept in bed. Places that I never thought I would see I was there; YOU and me, that’s where we met years ago. I saw You in a dream and from then on I would never let you go. It was more real to me than when I was awake so I loved to sleep and dream and hear You speak to me. Things that I thought were just fun things to do became real LIFE outside of my head, events and people, places, and names. I thought I must be crazy because these things were in me, only now others can see them as well, and all that time until now I never ever knew that it was You.
As a seed breaks open and grows or even as a fish moves forward, that is what You did with me. You never let me stop my progression. Your always drawing and wooing me to You. At a time when I really thought I was the craziest moment, You said, “Marry Me,” I fainted on my bed and in my mind I was saying ,“I can’t Marry You! I don’t even see You.” “Shouldn’t this [marriage] be tangible?”
Then I began to get prepared and I looked in the mirror and said, “What is the image that is there.” You said, “You are beautiful and curious” and I said, “I can’t get married… I don’t even look the part, but you, you are beautiful to me and I am so glad that you are in my heart.” I was so silly. I was looking at me and I could not see You. I had only seen myself. I was crushed like a grape and threshed like grain till my mind had left from me, but that is when Your mind came to me. More and more and more of You came to me and I was beginning to die off, but there was still a black spot or a hardness on my heart. I said, “I’m so glad your in my heart” untill I hear You speak loud and clear… “Don’t ask for the FATHER… I am already here.”
In my mind I was thinking… thinking of how I am asking for the Father and He said that He is here, but when I look at me I didn’t see Him at all. But I do know that veils are still being removed…UNTIL I’M SEEING ME THROUGH THE EYES OF YOU!!!
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